New Shears and Poor Lighting ~ Another Cautionary tale

The following conversation took place in February. The incident still follows John today:

John unknowingly went work like this today. What's worse: John looking like this at work or him relying on my judgment @ 7 am, in poor lighting conditions, no glasses and less than one cup of coffee, Ooops!

MW     ~          Oh MY MY...that's why I don't cut my husband’s hair anymore! lol

Me:      ~          I didn't cut it. He did this to himself. I will gladly allow him to go to a professional to take care of his hair. He had to shave it all the way down to the scalp. It's still funny as hell. He had no idea.....

MW:    ~          Oh no! Lol, so you looked at it and said...ya, it's ok :)

Me:      ~          Yes, I did. He didn't turn around. In my defense, I was standing by the bed and he was in the bathroom..... Maybe 15 feet away....

MW:    ~          Lol.

TL:      ~          When did John start cancer treatment? Lol. Damn, I cut my own hair and I can manage to make it look perfect. From now on, keep the shears away from him.

ME:     ~          The shears were new & he hadn't used them before, except for last night when he was trimming his goatee. As for his goatee.... John now has a wicked overgrown 5 o'clock shadow where the ghost of goatee's past used to be. He no longer has hair. We shaved it with a razor. There was no other fix.

KA:     ~          Hmmm is all I have to say..... )o0

TL:      ~          That is totally fixable

Me:      ~          Wrong tense. That WAS totally fixable. It is fixed, don't get me wrong, possibly not the best fix, but it is still fixed ;D

TL       ~          I'm living in the past.

AE:      ~          Ha ha. He is lucky he isn’t married to me. I would have let him go to work like that with me knowing.

Me:      ~          ‎I probably would have, if I would have noticed it. The only problem would have been keeping from laughing and cluing him in to something going on.

CG       ~          Fucking dumb fuck. I love it.

Me:      ~          ‎ I couldn't have said it better myself. Top that with the fact that he had administrative meetings and the hits just keep on coming.

AG:     ~          I think he looks fabulous

John:    ~          Thank you... it's nice to see that someone notices style when they see it...lol

AG:     ~          Of course I do. I also remember all the stylish things you used to do to my bangs when I was a child, lol.

John:    ~          All the practice I had on your hair has finally paid off... this is how we ROLL in Safford.

Fortunately, this isn’t really how we roll in Safford, just how John rolls. May as well go with it. 

Google Images: Why My Husband Is Banned...For life.

My dear husband walks of out the bathroom around 7:00am and is visibly upset with me. I was sleeping and the glare he was giving was enough to awaken me. Using an accusatory tone he asks "Are you really happy?". I was caught off guard and had just opened my eyes. "Yes, I am happy. Things have been kind of crazy busy lately but I am happy". I can tell this isn't the answer he is looking for but I just woke up. I am not a great morning person. "Very convincing" he states in  a sarcastic tone. He walked out of the door and left for work. 

Around 9:30, I get the call. He was still audibly heated so I ask what is going on. You know this can't end well. Husband starts a long story about how, while in his office (the bathroom), searching for Arizona weapon laws, he saw a picture of me, or someone that looks exactly like me on Google images. The picture is of a woman in a compromising position with a male that is not him. He says "I am not saying it is you, it just looks like you". Seriously???

I am so angry at this point, I can no longer speak with him. I am on a mission. I will Google image every possible combination of his search, until I find this image.After about an hour and an adventure into more porn than I need to see, I find it, the elusive image. Now, to be fair, I can see a resemblance. Although, this woman has a large sized tattoo on the back of her neck. I have no tattoos.

I finally cooled down after I sent him a nasty gram via email. His response, "Umm, Oops, sorry wife". Really, you just accused me of having an affair and posting a picture online and you think sorry is going to undo the damage? No wonder I am wife #3. Try again. 

Apparently, he was so upset by the image and thinking it was me, he cancelled his department meeting and was in a very foul mood at work that morning. Good, he deserved it. The moral of this story? Be very careful when you accuse your spouse of spending their days performing sex acts on random men and documenting the evidence on Fapdu. I never knew what Fapdu was until I had to defend my honor against a woman that looked like me.

As the day moved on, the tide turned from anger to humor. Should he have used better judgement? Of course. I have made many grievous errors in judgement over the course of our relationship. Maybe not the exact same mistake, but he has put up with many other poor judgement calls. It's a marriage. We work it out as we go along. My husband reacted emotionally to an image he perceived to be his wife. Our mind's have a way of filling in gaps with past information and experiences. With that thought in mind, he has discovered that his knowledge bank is better spent on Temple Run rather than Google.   



  

It's Friday

I want to be this dog.... Just for a few days. I'll hang out in the back of a pickup with the breeze blowing in my face, my ears flapping and my tongue dripping slobber. Think it can be arranged?

Questionable Profile Photo

Not many photo opportunities come my way. It is my job, as Mom, to document my children's life in pictures. Surprisingly, I do have a life that exists sans offspring. Otherwise known as my better half, other half, husband ... so many titles, so little time. In an attempt to identify myself as more than just "Mommmmmy", I try to post profile pictures of me and my husband, together, at the same time. Not an easy task.

Our last photo opportunity took place over the holidays. I realized this picture was aging and decided the time had come to sort through the thousands of pictures that have been downloaded to my laptop, that I plan on organizing one day, and fine a more current photo. Sound easy? Oh, hell no.. After many hours, deleting hundreds of files, I found one, yes one damn picture of the two of us. I shall add my find:

Our picture looks relatively innocent...take a closer look. For the sake of time I will summarize and edit for content the comments that followed:

J:             So cute, makes me sick.
Me:         Rare opportunity. Umm, doesn't look like my dear husband is holding my hand. Oops.
J:             At least he isn't showing his nipple
Husband: Why did you put my hand there?
Me:         I like living on the edge of appropriateness versus poor judgement
Husband: Success! It's trashy, I like it!
Me:         Maybe the next photo opp and you won't be a smart ass
Husband: I don't see that happening. For the record, you moved my hand there. I love you, pervert
J:             Nice..These are my role models
Me:         You're not living up to our expectations, No worries, there is still time
A:            Pretty sure I have seen/done this photo before
M:           I may have seen/done something similar myself
Me:         I think most people have a picture like this, they just don't have the nerve to post it!
M:           Ya, they have no balls!
Me:         No balls, no glory (and maybe no pride). Pride is overrated
N:           I love it! The picture, the conversation... More people need a sense of humor!

In all honestly, I would rather inspire a conversation that brings people together saying "me, too", then living my life to fulfill the expectations of others. I may offend. More often, it feels like people breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that others have said and done many of the same things that are not talked about in public. Does that make people uncomfortable? Yes. Will it make me stop? No. I am willing to bet there are more couples with pictures of themselves in compromising, distasteful photos than couples with no pictures or couples too worried about what others would say and deleted the photo. No balls, No glory, No delete!

Parking Garage Ettiquette

How to get assistance in a parking garage from Security in 30 minutes flat:

1. Do not take note of the level you parked on.
2. Make sure the parking garage is tiered, allowing sound to bounce from one area to another.
3. Randomly chose a floor to start looking
4. After a few minutes, depress the panic button on your vehicle
5. This is where the acoustics come in to play... Continue to depress the panic button and follow the sound.
6. As the sound bounces, you will lose your bearings and become more confused.
7. Repeat steps 3 through 5 until security asks if they can be of assistance.

Really, I found my car within a few minutes. I had spent the last 48 hours in the ER of a hospital. The light of day had not come near my being in two days. Parking was the least of my worries when I entered the hospital. Human kindness and assistance would have greatly assisted me that day. I now park on the top level of every parking garage I enter. One less detail to remember. 

Risky Business and a 9 year old

I was rushing to clean the house before picking the husband up at the airport. It is a 3-1/2 hour drive each way, so timing is vital. While cleaning, my youngest daughter, Sophie, asked to mop. I told her not to worry about it, we would do that tomorrow. I went on my way, to attend to more pressing tasks. 

I came back into the room about 15 minutes later. Sophie had stripped to her underwear and attached kitchen sponges with large rubber bands to her hands, elbows, knees and feet. I just watched without her without her knowing for a few minutes. It was so hard not to just give myself up by laughing. 

Sophie had wet the sponges and was using every dance move from ballet, jazz and tap to sh-sh-shuffling to mop the kitchen, dining room, living room and hallway floors with her make-do sponge-mops. You have to love a kid that looks at a job like mopping and comes up with a system too fun to pass up :) Thanks, Sophie!
As much as I wanted to document this moment in pictures, my cell phone makes too much noise...Damn, another missed photo opportunity.

Warning: USPS hazards

After a thirty minute rant concerning my failure to complete things in a timely manner, given to me by my youngest daughter, I thought I would prove her wrong by mailing the letter she said would only collect dust on my dresser. This task required I visit the United States Post Office, as I needed a stamp.  It is a rare occasion that I need a stamp since I have chosen to do anything possible electronically. When I do need them, I never have the correct denomination and this time was no exception. While running errands with my Mother and oldest daughter, I stopped at the post office. I was driving. Mom and daughter waited in the car.

After I enter the local USPS, I remember that I needed to pick up a few priority mail boxes. I grabbed those and waited in line for the one damn stamp that I need. Bought the stamp, mailed the letter, deed done and checked off of my list. I left the USPS deep in thought, contemplating the facts that stamps are now .45 cents, I need to change the cost of a shipping fee on an auction item and that my youngest daughter needs picked up in 10 minutes.

I approach my car, still deep in thought and decide I need to put the boxes in the back. I attempt to open the rear passenger door, which was locked, when a horn sounded. At the sound of the horn, I look up to see a terrified child and Mother staring at me from the car I was trying to enter. Not my car...I am sure the look on my face was priceless. The horn honking had come from my Mother, trying to alert me that I just walked passed my car. Lost in thought, I completely missed my car. What makes my carelessness epic? The fact that my Mother and oldest daughter witnessed the entire incident and were laughing their asses off when I found my way back to my car. Nope....I won't ever live that down.

And to the family I scared.... I am so sorry. If counseling is required, I will gladly pay for your sessions.